A couple months ago
we started a series on parenting with grace.
This month someone asked me to talk about another issue parents
face: apologizing gracefully.
Have you ever watched
your children do something embarrassing and insist they tell the other
person how sorry they are? And
they glare at you with a pouty lip, look at the floor, and spit out
“SORRry” in that resentful tone?
Surely you know what I mean—I’ve done it to my family, and
I’ve been the recipient of it, and it isn’t very satisfying.
Have you ever wondered why coerced apologies don’t work so well?
Chick Moorman
suggests that “tell him you’re sorry” has good intentions but really
sends the message, “Forget what you’d really like to say.
Choke off your frustration. Push
down all your real feelings and pretend they don’t exist.”
It also gives kids an easy excuse.
They don’t have to think about changing their behavior.
They only have to say, “I’m SORRry.”
So how do we gracefully guide our children through these situations
while still teaching responsible, caring behavior?
If a child is not
sorry, help communicate feelings with words such as “tell him you’re
angry because. . . . “ or “tell her you’re frustrated with. . . “ Help children learn from their mistakes.
Ask, “what did you learn from this?” and “what are you going
to do differently next time?” This is enough. Children
do not have to feel pain or self-criticism to learn from mistakes.
The “I learned. . .and next time. . . “ pattern provides the
opportunity to learn and make a positive behavior change.
If a child is
sorry, certainly encourage him or her to say so.
This can be a cleansing release that allows the child to get on
with the day. When the
apology comes freely from the heart, you have a chance to model
forgiveness as Christ does for us. Enjoy
it. Immerse your child in
hugs, love and grace. Remember to ask forgiveness for your own mistakes, and make
sure your kids witness you doing so.
And pray that someday your child will learn to freely ask for
God’s grace without any coercion whatsoever.
By
Pam Stout
Based
on “Say You’re Sorry” from Parent Talk by Chick Moorman,
Personal Power Press, 1998
For
more information, check out www.chickmoorman.com
or www.practicalworkshops.com